Today I made the decision to leave home without make up.

Honestly, make up was never something I had been into. Not until recently. Up until I was 17, I never knew how to use make-up properly, except for maybe eyeliner, mascara, blusher etc. The basics.

Then there came a point of time when my self-esteem just plummeted. It hit an all-time low. I felt so shitty about myself. I felt like I was not good enough. Not for anyone but for myself. Like I could be so much more. No one made me feel that way. No one has ever insulted my appearance, so I don't know what caused me to feel that way but I just did, and it got really bad. I think I may have been depressed although I wasn't actually diagnosed. It ate me up from the inside. And it's not like I could tell anyone because they would probably just brush me off, saying that I was being ridiculous and petty. So I kept it in and decided to find ways to make me feel better about myself. That was when I discovered the magical world of make up.

I started experimenting with make up at about 18. I felt, and still feel that it makes me look a lot better which is what make up is supposed to do anyway. Then I started becoming obsessed with Googling products that were highly-raved and splurged a lot of ka-chings on stuff I didn't actually need. Make up is NOT cheap. I wasn't buying drugstore make up anymore. I was buying really high-end expensive shit.

I started becoming quite dependent on it. I couldn't go to school without make up. In fact, I couldn't go anywhere without make up. When I looked at past pictures of myself, I ask myself how the hell I survived looking like that. I was very self-deprecating. This went on for about a year.

I don't know if it's me growing up or snapping out of a phase but a few days ago I was looking in the mirror after I showered and contemplated on whether I actually need make up. I realised that make up played no part in my new-found confidence. People are not paying more attention to me because of make up. People are paying more attention to me because I feel good with make up on. My boyfriend, and everyone else keep telling me that I look almost the same with or without make up. They keep telling me not to use it. I thought they were all crazy because I felt that I looked so much better with make up. But yesterday, I decided to go out with a bare face and forced myself to think that I had make up on.

And guess what?

Nothing changed. In fact, I think I got even more attention. I'm not being an attention-whore, but let's get real; girls. want. attention. Every girl wants attention whether they're brave enough to admit it or not. Also, I'm only trying to prove a point, and that point being make up was NEVER the answer. It was all about how I feel about myself. When you feel good about yourself, people catch on it, and people will find you attractive. Being smug and cocky is different from being confident. It's all about feeling good in your own skin, not being delusional, thinking you're God's gift to mankind and the most stunning person to walk the planet.

The same  thing applies to your body. Sometimes you feel really fat and so you decide to lose weight. When you've lost weight, you feel that people give you more attention. Yes, they do. But unless previously you were morbidly obese and lost like 100lbs, it's not because you've lost weight. It's because while you lost weight, you gained confidence. And when you feel good in your own skin... yeah by now you should know what I'm trying to say.

And that's why today I decided to leave home without make up. It will definitely take some getting used to but I feel so much better about everything. I'm not saying I will never use make up ever again. You will definitely see me with make up. Come on, I'm a girl. A very girly girl. This is not about swearing off make up for as long as I live. Make up is not the enemy. This is about me being able to feel good with or without anything on my face. This is about me feeling good about me.

That is all.

xo,

Mary A.

I'm so tired of myself. I'm tired of what keeps happening to me, what I bring upon myself, what you bring upon me, what always happens after that. I'm tired when I look in the mirror. I see all the things that are wrong and the things that are not right. I'm so tired when you look at me, when you do. You see right through me, not at me, not with me. I'm so tired when I lay on my bed at night and I think about all the things I want to be and the places I want to see and then I think of you and I'm afraid. I'm tired of feeling afraid. Afraid of regretting. I'm tired of regret. I'm tired of trying to make myself feel better.. about myself. I'm tired of this, and that, and that, and this. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired. And so are you.

Mary A.

You should date a girl who reads.

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry and in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

It's the most wonderful time of the year, indeed. I have not felt this calm about everything since January. This month I've done some serious damage to my bank account but it makes me happy and after everything that's happened this year, I'm up for being happy.

If I were to list down all that has happened in the past 12 months, I would probably be too depressed to go on with my day. Let's just say 2011 has not been a glorious year for me. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of and I suffered the consequences not long after. I'm really glad the year is coming to an end because like everyone else, I always feel like a new year comes with so much hope and promise.

In 2010, I would have never have dreamt that the things that happened this year would actually happen. Therefore I'm kind of afraid of what 2012 might bring but whatever it is, I'm ready for it. Because although 2011 was a like a freaky rollercoaster ride of death, I don't regret anything at all. In retrospect, some of the things (well actually most of the things) had put a smile on my face. I will not regret anything that made me happy. Happiness is still happiness, short-lived or not.

I have many things that I want I will accomplish in 2012 and for once, I actually feel like I know what I really want. It's a lovely feeling.

Happy holidays and have a blessed year ahead.

All the love in the world,

Mary A.

My internship has been going quite well and I really like the company I am posted to. It's not a company actually. It's much bigger than that but I can't reveal too much. I would describe my job as a combination of Public Relations, Corp Comms, Marketing and Events. Okay actually I think they all fall under the category of Public Relations. Thus far in my 3 weeks here, I've been assigned important tasks and this comes as a surprise to me because it sometimes feels like my superiors have forgotten that I am only an intern and that I have no experience whatsoever besides what I've learnt in school. At times, it can get overwhelming, but I've grown accustomed to it. I get to be very involved in the media industry, especially now since it's a really busy period with several award shows coming up as well as business summits with all the huge industry partners flying in from around the world. I'm a busy PR girl! Anyway, I am looking forward to the next 18 weeks here and I know this sounds cliche but I hope I take home with me more than just $$$ during my time here.